My father passed away five years ago next week. I’m nearly 34 years old (my birthday also being next week) and had dealt with my fair share of grief over the years. This time, though, it was completely different. Grief hit me hard. I bounced back and forth between each stage randomly and unpredictably. I’d spend hours just sitting on the couch, staring off into space, reliving memories over and over again. It was though I was worried they’d fade, that I’d forget the sound of his voice or how he was the only person who could make grocery shopping fun. I had no idea how to cope, if any of what I was feeling was “normal”, and felt completely and utterly alone, despite the offers of help and shoulders from friends and family members.
Everyone deals with grief in their own unique way. Obviously, the coping techniques I had used up until this point weren’t exactly the healthiest ones. Finding strategies that work can be hard. Sometimes it takes a while before you stumble on the right ones for you. For me, pursuing my geeky interests with the goal of finding ways to heal helped. I’ll never “be okay” with a world without my dad. My step mom phrased it perfectly when she said that things wouldn’t be normal again; we just have to find a new normal now. Nothing will remove the ache that his death caused, but finding solace in comic books, sci-fi, and fantasy helped me cope.
Literature And Grief
Flowers & FIshnets
A friend of mine at work suggested I try to lose myself in a book, thinking that a fictional world might give me a bit of an escape. Her idea was sound, but I simply didn’t have the focus for prose. I’d stare off into space, obsessively committing minor details about my dad to memory. I had started to read comic books before he passed away, but this was limited to Batwoman and Detective Comics. Afterwards, I noticed that I was able to focus long enough to read a single issue. From here, my reading branched out to include heroes and characters from multiple publishers and creators. One moment that stood out was reading an issue of Birds of Prey, in which Black Canary speaks of her mother, who, like my dad, passed away after a battle with cancer. Despite the fact that there was very little else we had in common, knowing that she persevered gave me strength. I eventually looked up Secret Origins #50 to read the story itself.
Grief is an isolating experience. Even though others around you are mourning the loss of the same person, no two people go through the same set of emotions. Navigating conflicting and confusing emotions is tricky under the best of circumstances. With the addition of loss and the type of pain that comes with it, it can be downright impossible. In times like these, many of us turn to stories to help make sense of the overwhelming feelings loss creates. Watching characters sort through similar emotions can help us process our own. Knowing that it is possible to manage grief and come through on the other side is empowering. When you are dealing with such a helpless emotion, any type of empowerment goes a long way.
Grief On The Big (And Small) Screen
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One of my favourite stories about The Princess Bride involves Mandy Patinkin and his role as Inigo Montoya. While filming his part as the iconic swordsman, Patinkin was still grieving the loss of his father to cancer. The lines, “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die” and “I want my father back you son of a bitch” have since become infamous, and were directed to the cancer that killed his dad. In one interview, Patinkin elaborated, saying:
I feel that when I killed that six-fingered man, I killed the cancer that killed my father. And I remember we were outside that castle and I took a walk in this beautiful moat and I just kept talking to my dad, saying, ‘I’m gonna right it, I’m gonna right this wrong.’ And for a moment he was alive, and my fairy tale came true.
I heard this for the first time after my dad passed away, and it hit particularly close to home. Not just because The Princess Bride is the best movie ever made, but because it was one my dad and I shared. We watched that VHS tape until it wore out (they were like DVDs, but didn’t last as long and you had to rewind them). Now, whenever I’m missing my dad too much I rewatch The Princess Bride. Only instead of pretending to be Buttercup or Westley (as I usually do), I focus on Inigo. Cheering him on helps process some of those powerful feelings.
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Grief as played out on the small screen can also be incredibly helpful. There is no guidebook on how to handle grief, but watching your favourite characters figure it out, in healthy and unhealthy ways, is cathartic. Anya’s inability to grasp the concept of death on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one moment that always stands out. Those few lines capture so many emotions: sorrow, disbelief, anger, and confusion chief among them. It’s important to remind yourself that the stages of grief are not linear, nor are they mutually exclusive. Sometimes you experience them all at once, or feel yourself thrown between multiple stages. Watching other characters feel conflicted can validate your own experiences.
Finding Your Own New Normal
My Awesome Dad
There is no easy way to deal with grief. There are no magical series of steps that you can take or combination of exercises that will diminish the pain. For me, embracing my inner geek was what worked. Losing myself in media that reflected this very relatable feeling against a bigger backdrop of monsters or miracles helped me process this devastating loss. Sci-fi, fantasy, and comic books were my escape from, and inspiration for dealing with, reality. For you it might be sports, or sitcoms, or myths, or stand-up comedy. Having characters you can relate to, who are dealing with similar emotions, can make you feel less alone. Sometimes you need to avoid those feelings altogether, and seeking solace in entertainment without reminders of the grief you are enduring is ideal. In other cases, seeing your emotions reflected and validated in the media you consume is exactly the small act of self care you need to continue coping. Working your way through grief is an ongoing process. There are no simple steps, nor will you ever completely heal. Things won’t “go back to normal.” But losing yourself in a story with relatable characters navigating the same complicated minefield of emotions can help you find your new normal.
